3 Keys to a Healthy Marriage after Experiencing Trauma in the Past

We all want a healthy marriage, but for those with unresolved past trauma, some of the core elements of relationships can be impacted. After getting engaged, things we worked on and thought we had moved on from, might be showing up. There is nothing wrong with you, it’s your body’s way of alerting you it needs your attention and support.

Trust

If you’ve experienced past trauma, trusting others is hard. Feelings of neglect and abandonment impact your ability to feel safe, which is required in order to trust someone. If you don’t feel safe, you can’t trust. Fear of being hurt, mistreated or left can take over. If you don’t trust your partner, then this can create feelings of doubt for them. Feelings of safety and trust is what brings two people closer in love. Being able to confide in your partner and KNOW with your entire being that they love you, care about you and have your best interest at heart even when they make mistakes is liberating. Trust allows you to relax and indulge in your relationship instead of fearing being hurt all the time. Trusting your partner creates an internal peace deep within, creating more joy in your relationship.

Vulnerability

Past trauma can make opening up terrifying. Fear can take over “if I open up, I’ll be hurt again.” It can be, that when you opened up about the traumatic event, you weren’t believed. This instills in you a sense of not being worthy and scared to be vulnerable because you always have to be protecting yourself in order to survive and stay safe. Once you feel safe and can trust your fiancé, you can let down your walls and show your raw vulnerable self. You can show up being your true self, not needing to change who you are in order to be loved, not needing to be “perfect.” You can be messy, emotional, open up and share how you are really feeling. You can let your partner in on what’s going on internally for you. Being vulnerable enhances all levels of intimacy- physical, emotional, & sexual. It’s another layer of deepening your love and truly seeing each other for who you are by showing who you are. 

Communication

Your ability to express yourself, not only when opening up, but also during conflict is key to a healthy marriage. Past trauma impacts the nervous system resulting in staying stuck in the fight/flight/freeze mode. This makes you be on high alert all the time, as if you’re not safe and in danger, causing you to lash out, walk away or completely shut down when conflict rises. When you are able to express yourself calmly, genuinely, and effectively love takes over instead of anger, fear, or doubt. By being in command of your emotions, you’re able to remain centered and with clarity, which creates more peace between you two. This also allows you to get to the root of things with more ease since there’s not all of the layers of past trauma in the way. You can move toward resolution from a place of love and mutual respect, instead of spiraling out of control. 

As you can see, in each of these I mentioned feeling safe. In my opinion, feeling safe within your body is THE KEY to a healthy marriage, to a fulfilling life, to an empowered you and to healing fully. Once you feel safe in your body, you’re FREE to love and receive love wholeheartedly. Healing is a possibility for you.

If you’d like support in your healing journey, book a free call with me HERE.